Raise or Raze?

I definitely have tensions in my own writing processes and if you read my previous post, you can see how it all began. I’m reading a book by Mike Rose for a class I’m taking called, Lives on the Boundary. He shares stories of working with underprivileged and forgotten students and boy oh boy is it extremely personal for me.  He shares a story about how some of his students were placed in Subject A, a UC requirement for students who are not yet at college level readiness for the English requirement.  Pick me! Pick me! I took Subject A at UC Berkeley.  I remember sititng in this beaten up old building, the Drama Building, situated behind Dwinelle Hall, being completely scared because someone was going to figure out that I had no idea how to write an essay.  Mike Rose shares how his students were ashamed because they knew the class was for below-level students; I was thrilled because I felt that someone was actually going to have to teach me writing. I had no idea it was a “loser” class. I loved it! I didn’t do extremely well at Cal.

I think I was admitted to Cal for several different reasons. First, I was the only one in my family to attend college. Nobody helped me fill out the college applications; I filled them out because I just wanted to get out of town – away from the poverty and working class turmoil. I wanted to learn and grow.  I’m sure the administration felt sorry for me.  My high school GPA was something like 3.7 but that doesn’t mean anything.I struggled with any writing. I was a Poli Sci major, but I felt that I could definitely regurgitate historical and political events with ease.

So, I was not an English major – obviously.  After college, I decided I wanted to teach, and I knew that I had to figure out how to write standard essays. I finally did figure it out, but of course it wasn’t polished and NICE because I was so far behind the game. I feel that I am still learning things, and of course I feel that my writing has improved immensely.

I was not accustomed to putting myself in my writing: what do I bring to the conversation? I never learned that my own ideas and thoughts were worth valuing. I feel that I am still learning this process. I know how I should write, but of course this isn’t the case when I actually write. I take a lot of notes on readings and I type them up and I admit that I sometimes begin here for writing a paper. I end up scrapping the whole thing and beginning all over again. Why can’t I just fix this? It probably has to do with the confidence thing. If I had to talk to a hiring committee, I think I would just say that I am a lifelong learner and I too am still learning about the writing process and that I am right there in the thick of things with my students and not so far removed that I can’t feel their pain and understand their concerns about writing.

I could go on for days on this topic, but i think I’ll stop here.