Raise or Raze?

So many clever clichés and catch phrases are running through my head right now about parenting: it isn’t for cowards, do it with love and logic, one must *DARE* to discipline (um never a problem for me) and on and on it goes. But sometimes, parenting fills me with grief-stricken sorrow. Not because I’ve done something wrong (well, if you asked my 4 boys, they would gladly tell you nothing I do is right) but because I’m just a sappy crier. And maybe there’s more to it than that.

This week, our 16yo son decided to begin attending classes at our local community college and not finish public high school. Of course I support his choice – I think it’s a rather smart choice. Even though I’m a credentialed teacher, have 2 MA degrees, 2 BA degrees, and am about to be certified to teach composition at a college level, I know that there is much that just doesn’t work with the public education system. In fact, I actually feel that finishing high school in a high school can be quite a big waste of time. I’ve been involved with the homeschooling community in the Bay Area for several years, and I have seen many families sign their youth up for junior college classes at a much earlier age and these kids are soaring! They love the challenge, welcome the freedom, and do quite well with the other students in the classes. No little groups to be excluded from, students that enjoy learning together, and being welcomed and accepted for who you are – who God made you to be – who could ask for anything more?

Finishing 11^th and 12^th grade at a high school can actually be a waste of time – you can take classes at a local junior college and by doing so, you finish up your 11^th and 12^th grade years AND simultaneously finish your first two years of college. Score!!! When this son is ready for a 4-year college experience, he will have so many doors open to him. Not to mention the fact that 4-year universities really love transfer students. Of course, this also means my husband and I save two years’ worth of college tuition. Win-Win!

What’s the problem? This grieving side of me. Perhaps it is a bit selfish to be thinking of myself at a time like this. But what about his high school graduation? And all of the fun things he’ll get to do? Senior trips, senior spirit week and pranks. Me getting to attend parent socials and football volunteering and other fun events. Parents tend to get really excited and involved in their child’s education and I am really big on this! Senior year is really fun and let’s not forget about all of the bragging rights I get to bestow upon myself on social media: “Proud parent of the Class of 2018!” Go Cougars!! This sort of stuff makes me a bit tearful and nostalgic.

But who am I kidding? This son has always hated school, and has never “fit in” in the way other children do and have. I remember in preschool begging the teachers to please please please make him join circle time at least for his last 2 weeks (this was after 3 years of being with the same kids) before he moves on to kindergarten. Please!? They were very montesorri-like and didn’t believe in making kids do things they didn’t want to do but I managed to point out that it really wasn’t doing him any favors because he will always do the opposite of what is expected. So they agreed to do it a couple of times. He hated it! He preferred his corner. He hung out with the same kids K-2 grade and then we attended public school for 1 year; then we homeschooled. He was just never one to go out of his way to hang out with anyone. I think for the past 4 years, I have had both of my older teens stuck in the house all day every day all summer long – not that I didn’t want them to go out and have fun….they just chose not to do those things. This 16yo especially. He hasn’t enjoyed the last year and a half of high school either. He got all As last year as a freshman, and this past semester he has As and Bs, but there is no challenge for him, no spark to light him up and get him excited about anything. He just gets up and goes to school, and that’s the end of it.

He was a competitive swimmer with giving hardly any effort: junior Olympics and was just about to qualify for regionals when he thought long and hard about what the culture we live in promotes: “Mom, I don’t want to be called an athlete. I don’t like how they all have a chip on their shoulder. Nobody is doing this for the right reasons.” He was right. He wanted to enjoy swimming, but both kid and parent were only focused on times and results. The town we live in just seems to operate this way. Everyone has sports stickers on their cars and everyone brags about sports teams and wins. 8 years ago when we first moved here, I tried to discuss this with our previous middle school principal: “Why doesn’t this school honor scholars and have more academic programs?” I was told that the parents don’t support it. He explained how they used to have an assembly to hand out honor roll certificates but the students would just throw the certificates away, and many wouldn’t even walk up to the stage to receive them. I explained how if the school began showing how proud they were of their youth who love to learn and support that sort of culture then perhaps the parents would then join in. The PTA to this day, 8 years ago, has not begun such a program either. Sometimes I feel like we are the ‘odd duck’ family – the ones who just don’t seem to fit in. We play sports, but we just don’t push push push and treat our kid(s) like they have to be the best at whatever sport they play. We just play. And somehow, our brainy kids just don’t have bodies built to be stars in the sports arena.

It saddened me then and it still does today that K-8 does not make a bigger effort to promote academic success and promote a culture where learning is fun and isn’t about completing worksheets for homework – nor does it show youth that learning is fun, engaging, and should come before sports: if you build it, they will come. I tried.

So, as my husband has said, it’s about being excited about this new adventure that our son is embarking on. Sure, I had to go with him his first day because he didn’t want to hand the instructor his ADD form, but I do believe that he is going to learn to become very independent and take a class or two over the next two years in some topics (outside of the required A-G requirements) that really interest him. Here’s to a very very hopeful and bright future and I can certainly smile about J Oh sure, I’m gonna ball my eyes out when he finishes, but they are going to be tears of joy.

P.S: Please leave positive comments only. There’s nothing worse than the current social media trend of entitlement where everyone feels entitled to trash whatever they read. I once read an author’s facebook page which insisted that, as it was *her* facebook page, it is just like talking to her face – so – please speak respectfully and supportively. I feel the same. These are words from my heart and soul, and if you feel like leaving scathing ugly responses, perhaps you can start your own blog and leave them there?  I’ll be removing any comments like that.